We are not up for consumption

to be in

I did want too much / too much / I did to / did I want / this much / this body to want / did I want this / to be in / (breathe in) // Did I want to be in this body too much that when it was given to me, freely at first // give this to me / when / I did want / too much / first / free me / this body / that it was / given / to be in / (breathe out) // I thought I must earn this aliveness like they taught me to // taught this to / this body / did want / I want / freely / taught / to be in / (breathe in) // Challenged the rumor of its borders, holdings of self and expectation, with sacrifice // too much / self and / of rumor / holding / this body / a challenge / to want / to be in / (breathe out) // It is you, beloveds, who tell me of my inheritance, a story as body // first / tell me / alive / much of / this story / given / to be in (breathe in) // And we weep from: our joy, our longing, our love, our grief // given / too much / what you told me / of this body / longing / this body / I did want / to be in (breathe out) // This grief has left me in-motion completely, as in, I am dancing to remember // joy freely from / when I had / expectation / too much / love / to be in (breathe in) // How to be in communion with all that is mine, with all that is ours

Written by Nahomi Amberber
Stills by kikeyah alina: earth worker/ transdisciplinary artist (@kikeyah) from her upcoming short film on care and community.
Performed by Saysah

Through this immersive soundscape in which I document myself waking up on a spring morning when I have a "depression hangover". I invite you to listen as I lead my day getting out of bed, showering, making breakfast, heading out through Kensington market to the park, by the water, reading and reflecting, then getting on the bus to go out to the "function" aka the sounds from 999 Heard party/event. This scape has a slowness in pacing, and invites listeners to dig into the noticings of the ambient and mundane, as they listen to me navigating building up the capacity, through self-time and soothing, to go out and have a social time for the first time in weeks.

What does it feel like to be consumed?

this archival-scape takes the listener through an audio sensory archive of trans joy and resilience and rest. Calling on the lineage Black mixing strategies of DJs, this is an archival mix of Black Trans Power!